I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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