I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize