In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
