I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
