Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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