Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
