Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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