Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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