Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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