I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
