it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
