dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Randomize
