"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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