I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
