OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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