Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
