I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
