I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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