Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
