I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
