you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
