Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
