Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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