Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
