Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
