Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
