I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
