I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
