Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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