He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
