my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
