I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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