Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i out mim tonsoeep
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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