Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
