dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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