dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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