I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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