afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
