I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
