i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
