sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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