Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
