just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
