All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
