is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
