matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
