my phone needs a breathalizer
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
