My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
