First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
