What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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