explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
