Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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