you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
