he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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