Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
