forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
